Staring
by LILYandJAMESareCUTE
Summary: "He was staring again, she could feel it. His gaze was boring two round holes in the back of her head and it was exasperating her." Lily and James, seventh year. Featuring fun, seriousness and cookies.


Hey guys and girls! It's been a really long time. Too long I think. This is dedicated to Rainboom93, who private emailed me ages ago and asked why I didn't write anymore. Thank you for giving me that push back into this. I have missed writing so much, and all of you even more. I can't promise that I'll write anymore anytime soon because I go back to university next week, and I have a really hectic life when I'm at uni! Joy! But, I hope you enjoy this and I hope you like the changes I've made since I started writing on here in 2007.

x LaJaC :)

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He was staring again, she could feel it. His gaze was boring two round holes in the back of her head and it was exasperating her. She let out a breath, releasing her inner anxieties as she did so, just like that barmy yoga instructor had told her to, many years ago. _What a crazy old bird she was, too! _She thought, reviewing some of the more entertaining happenings of those lessons. Before long, she was silently erupting into rib cracking laughter. Fortunately for her, the laughter did the trick and her frustration with a certain irritating young man vanished. Unfortunately for her, the silent, gut-wrenching laughter caused her to slip off her comfy armchair by the Gryffindor fire and onto the slightly less comfortable rug. She wiped her eyes, which had begun streaming with tears of laughter and then she saw Marlene's expression of exasperation, amusement and curiosity above her. Predictably, this made her start laughing all over again, this time aloud. Marlene huffed and went back to her book, grinning. She had long since realised that there was no method to her best friends madness. She would explain herself in her own time and not a moment sooner, she was sure.

The rug was rather comfortable, she realised. No wonder students decided to sleep down here after late night study sessions. Study sessions. She mentally rolled her eyes and snorted sardonically. But still, it sure was comfy. She put her hands behind her head and gazed at the ceiling above her. If she turned her head carefully to the right a little and squinted, a smiling face appeared out of the cracks. She rotated her head to the left and it turned into a nasty grimace. She frowned at the unfriendly face and then poked her tongue out at it and rotated her head back to the left to view the much more chipper happy face.

"You're a bit loopy, you know that?" A soft, deep voice asked from her left. She didn't bother to grace him with a glance. _He'd_ been staring at her. Creeper. She sniffed at him, to ensure he understood her distain for him. If anyone here was loopy, it was definitely him. Mental nod of self-affirmation.  
"Uh, you do realise that your monologue, which I assume you assume is internal, is in fact not internal, right?" the voice queries. She huffs, so that he understands her pique at him and to cover the fact that her thoughts had somehow appeared out of her mouth. Whatever, he was a creeper and that voided his opinion. Another nod of self-affirmation and self-congratulations on producing this conclusion. Congratulations reminded her of cookies. When you did something good, cookies make an excellent reward and this conclusion she had reached deserved mucho cookies for such a brilliant deduction.

She sits up, and then does an awkward bending-of-the-knees, roll-of-the-body manoeuvre so that she can get up without showing the world her knickers. She may look ridiculous, but no moronic teenage boy had seen anything he shouldn't. That deserves another cookie. She salutes to Marlene, to let her know that she has reached a heroic conclusion and needs a heroes reward. The bint merely rolls her eyes and waves. That is rude. Never mind, there are more important things to consider today. Such as cookies. So she turns to the door and determinedly marches onward to the ultimate prize. She may have stepped on a few insignificant first years on the way, but their sacrifice was noted with all the respect that they deserved: i.e. none. She ignores the voices from behind her and continues on her quest, her mission.

She walks through the empty corridors quietly, revelling in the aloneness rather than being lonely. She spends so much time with people that it is nice to have a chance to think clearly. She stops by a window overlooking the lake and looks at the forest on the opposite shore. The sun is setting, and darkness is beginning to settle in. She tosses her head and gives an annoyed snort. It sounds like the story of her life at the moment. The sunny summer days that were the protective arms of Hogwarts were ending, and she would soon be heading out into the larger world. There would be fighting, there would be death and she would be on the front lines. She had accepted her role in this war. She would fight as one of the highly trained Aurours. She clenches her fists. She would be the sharpened arrow, piercing through the army and straight through the chest of the person turning her days into permanent nights.

She hears footsteps behind her but doesn't bother to look who it was. There is only one person it could be: _him_. She keeps gazing at the stars that are slowly appearing, watching with her arms closed and feeling scared and small under the spectacular wheeling lights. She felt strong arms wrap around her and she leans back into his solid warmth. He bends slightly and kisses her head, but she stays staring out at the black blanket that covers the grounds.  
"Don't worry, you'll be ok during training and then after that they rarely send Healers out into the field. You'll stay safe. It'll be ok." His arms tighten around her, trying to comfort and reassure. She bites her lip. That's the crux of the matter, isn't it? He thinks she's going to be a Healer. She is actually going to be an Aurour. He will not like this new plan. At all. Like, less than Slytherins maybe. But she nods anyway, like a good deceitful girlfriend and accepts his well-meant comfort. Then she turns her head from side to side. Enough of the lying, she decides. He deserves the truth, no matter the consequence.

"Um, I don't want to be a Healer," she says quietly. Good, nice start. Honest, yet not totally calling herself a liar for the last few months. Well done! She feels him freeze and knows that his mind is racing at a million miles a second, attempting to put together the funny hints that she's given him over the last few months. Little things she said that she knows he's questioned internally but never dared to ask aloud.

"If you don't want to be a Healer… why are you becoming one?" He asks slowly. She cringes and closes her eyes, because she knows that he's got an inkling of the truth, but he doesn't want to face it. Not now and not ever. Deep breath, he loves her, right?

"James, I'm joining the Aurour Academy in the summer." She states and opens her eyes. He's pulling his arms back and he's taken a horrified step backwards. He mouths the word 'no' several times, but seems incapable of producing speech. She starts to reach out to him but recoils when he retreats away from her. That's understandable, she realises miserably. She has been lying to him for months after all. Not only that, but she is doing the exact opposite of what he wanted for her. Instead of being safe on the inside, she's volunteering to go on the frontlines, to be a soldier and face death every day. Exactly what he never wanted for her.

"No. Lily, no. Please… please tell me you're joking?" She can't stand the pleading in either his voice or his face so she looks away. He grabs his hair in his hands and pulls, spinning on the spot so he's not facing her. It doesn't change the fact that she can still feel the shattering pain that he's in, or that she can see the distress that's clear across his tense, bowed back. She fumbles for something to say, something to make this better. But really, what _can_ she say? So instead she slowly takes two steps forward and gently touches his shoulder. This time he doesn't pull away, so she tightens her grip on his shoulder, trying to offer some support to him.

"James, I couldn't sit out and watch everyone else fight and die. You know I could never do that," she says but he still doesn't turn around. She wants some kind of reaction; she wants to know what's going on in his head. He's much more expressive when he's highly emotional, so she takes her hand away and says the words that will push him there.  
"I'm good at it. You know I am." Quietly stated, the words hang between the two, almost tangible in the quiet confidence that they convey. He turns around and she sighs, relieved that he's listening to her. Then she sees his face.

"You're _good _at it?" The words are spoken with a deadly quiet and are all the more frightening for it. She takes a step back and puts on her stubborn face and big girl panties. No matter what, he's not going to change her mind.  
"Of course you're 'good' at it, Lily! You're good at everything you try. Why can't you be satisfied with being safe? Do you just like to torture me? Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to _us?_" His voice echoes down the corridor and ten James' yell the accusations at her. She recoils a step. She can't remember the last time he was angry at her. Actually, she's pretty sure he's never been _angry_ with her. He whirls around and punches the solid stone wall and she winces at the crack that rebounds. He curses and shakes his hand, but she knows that something's broken and shaking won't take the sting away.

"James, enough," she says in a low voice. "You're pissed; I get that, but calm the hell down. I didn't want to tell you because you'd react this way and frankly you're scaring me. I've had enough of this. When you've finished your temper tantrum come and find me and we'll talk about it. But, I'm going to do this, James. I have to." She tries to stay reasonable and calm, although toward the end she sounds like she's pleading with him. She turns her back and walks away, feeling his eyes on her the whole way. This time, the staring feels different.

She gets back to her own rooms and closes the door, sliding down to sit in front of it. She puts her face in her hands and rubs her eyes. She knew this would go down badly, James just needs time to think about it, that's all. _Enough wallowing_, she decides and scrambles to her feet. She crosses to her trunk and pulls on her running gear, deciding that the release of pent up frustration will be good for her. She throws on a set of robes over the top so that she won't freeze on the way to the grounds. She takes every secret tunnel she knows, trying to avoid all students and she is successful. When she reaches the Quidditch pitch, she throws her robes on the closest seat, not paying attention to the rain around her. She pulls her hair into a ponytail, not caring how messy it is. Then, she starts running. Each footfall sounds like a beating heart and she pushes herself harder, faster, better. She used to hate running with a passion, but now it helps bring everything in focus better, makes her feel powerful and alive. James was the first one to suggest it to her, and the one who pushed her to keep it up when she just wanted to quit. She grits her teeth and runs harder, determined to outrun her internal grief.

After a few laps, she pauses and leans against a stand to catch her breath. The rain has soaked her to the bone, but she's still hot from the run and it doesn't bother her. The back of her neck prickles and she looks up at the sky, surreptitiously glancing around, trying to understand who was watching her. They nearly blend into the shadows, except that they were moving. There are five of them, all tall and with their hoods down across their faces. She knows by the furtive matter in which they move that they mean no good. She leans down casually to stretch and flicks her wand out of the waist band of her jogging pants, silently Stunning two in short order. The remaining three turn and look at their friends, startled. It would have been comical if Lily wasn't so certain that the remaining three meant her harm.

"What do you want?" she calls across the 50 metres separating the group from her. They turn back towards her and seem to give themselves a shake before the one in front addresses her.  
"Evans, as a Mudblood, there is no need of you in the new order of things. However, the Dark Lord has generously offered to spare your life in exchange for your service. I stress that this is a very generous, very brief offer. You have two minutes to decide and then we take you to him regardless of your answer." The man under the hood sounds young, yet smooth and charismatic. She tilts her head at them, trying to decide how to Stun three people at once. Her wand is held loosely at her side, there would be no need to hold it up until she needed it and pointing a wand at potentially violent Death Eaters would probably end very badly.

Suddenly, red light flares across the space and she spins quickly to see where it came from. Her wand is ready for action in the space between the seconds and she lowers it when she sees him running towards her. Of _course_ it was him. The one thing he doesn't want her to do is fight. So of _course _he turns up when a fight breaks out. He doesn't look at her, but the muscles in his jaw are tight and he's watching the one remaining Death Eater, the leader. She slowly pivots to watch him too, and he's looking at his fallen comrades in apparent confusion, not comprehending how they ended up on the floor. James moves closer, until he stands against her back, one hand on her shoulder. His grip is firm but gentle and she realises that he's accepting her participating in this war. She relaxes slightly, knowing that she is forgiven and that he will still love her. He tightens his grip for a brief pause, a silent acknowledgement of her deduced conclusion. Her wand rises until it points directly at the Death Eaters chest and a red flare of light erupts from its tip. In the next second, each Death Eater is bound in ropes and gagged, ready to be taken to the Headmaster.  
"There's my answer," she whispers to the captives, knowing that none of them will hear her.

"Lily," he says and she turns, startled by the tone of his voice. She opens her mouth in surprise to find him right in front of her, but the surprise ends quickly when he kisses her hard, like he was afraid that she was going to vanish from him forever. She freezes with surprise for a second, but then responds. He breaks off the kiss by tugging her closer, not allowing for any space between them. She puts her arms around his back, trying (unsuccessfully) to find a position that doesn't squish her nose uncomfortably.  
"Lily," he repeats softly. She sighs, her lungs filling with the smell of him, of grass and air and buttery sunshine. Also chocolate chip cookies. That wench went to the kitchens and ate cookies! Lucky beggar that he is! She frowns and pulls back and accuses him of having cookies without her and he smiles her favourite smile, the one where his eyes crinkle up and his dimples show. He wraps an arm around her shoulder, assures her that there's still plenty left and then starts walking back to the castle, the five men levitating, unconscious behind them.

They go to Dumbledore's office and report what occurred. The Headmaster gravely nods at each detail the pair gives and dismisses them quickly; he senses that there's a conversation waiting to happen. The two sitting in front of him are the type of people that have the potential to change the tide of this war. He gazes at them both as they report, their descriptions efficient and informative. Dumbledore knows that the Aurour department will be impressed with such outstanding pupils. Upon reflection, he would be impressed if they joined his organization too. However, that could wait until another time. He continued to reflect on the two incredible young people long after they had left his office.

"Lily…" James started, feeling unsure of himself. She looked at him and then suddenly became very interested in a painting they were passing. She turned her head a little bit to the left and squinted. In the background was a woman who looked _exactly_ like that bloody barmy yoga instructor. Then, _the wench in the picture winked and ran to the next painting._ That old hag! She was a witch and didn't tell her! She scowls at the picture and James clears his throat behind her. She silently counts down: _three, two, one. _  
"Lily, I'm sorry for losing it earlier. I just want you to stay safe. After mum and dad…" his voice falters and he tries to calm his breathing. You wait, fighting to not just wrap your arms around him. What he's saying is important and he needs to say it.  
"You're all I have left, Lily, you and the boys. Aurours _die_ Lily, they get maimed for life. I never wanted that for you. I want…" he falters again and growls, frustrated.  
"I want to be able to come home from a 9-5 job and greet my wife and ask how her- her book club or whatever went. I never dreamed I'd be coming home and asking how a _raid_ went, or who died. I know it's not your fault, and I know that you'd never be satisfied sitting around doing nothing during the war. But I wish that it didn't have to be this way." He sounds old, and so tired. So much older than a 17 year old boy should sound. He sighs and you know that he's running his fingers through his hair, trying to work out the next move to use.  
"Lily, I realize now that you need to learn to defend yourself, because they will come for you. Not just because you're dating me, but because you are a brilliant witch that they'd like to recruit. I guess what I'm saying is that I'd be proud if you became an Aurour, and I'd be relieved that at least you knew how to fight." He's speaks faster and faster and it is difficult to make out the words, but she manages. She nods, and tries to speak but gives up when she feels the brick in her throat and starts crying. Instead, she turns and buries her face in his shirt and he strokes her back. He doesn't lie and tell her that it's all going to be ok, or that they'll both make it through fine. The lies would hurt more than the truth, they both know. They stay like that for a single perfectly imperfect moment of time.

They hear footsteps approaching and she feels him shift slightly to see who it is. She can feel the muscles under his shirt relax and she knows that it's Remus and Sirius that approach. She keeps her eyes closed and waits for the two boys to reach them.  
"She told you mate?" Remus asks and she hides her head a little more. James didn't know that Remus and Sirius knew. Whoopsy doodles. James takes a step back and places his hands on her shoulders when she tries to follow. She keeps her head down and her hair around her face so he can't see the guilty look on her face.  
"You told them? Before you told me? What?" James squawks and she nods. She looks up at him and smiles guiltily. He doesn't look seriously annoyed, just exasperated and she smiles a little bit more. He rolls his eyes and glares at his mates, who shrug.  
"She probably correctly assumed we'd react better than you, Prongs." Sirius states, looking not the least bit guilty. James sighs exasperatedly, knowing that he is probably right. She grins widely at Sirius and he winks back.  
"We were on the way to the kitchens for cookies, care to share?" he asks, knowing what the answer will be. The replying scream matches his expectation.

"Cookies? Hell yes, let's go! Cookies, come to Lily!" She yells, dragging James down the corridor by his hand. He's muttering something rude about Sirius whilst trying (and failing) to hide the smile on his face, and the other two boys are laughing and running to keep up. She looks back at the three of them and smiles. This is where she belongs, no matter what the future holds.


End file.
